Is it harder than ever to get your child or teen to go to school? Are you experiencing weekday morning challenges – from procrastination to outright refusal? You and your student are not alone!
What’s the trend in “school avoidance” and “school can’t”?
Motivation in the mornings can be tough for all of us. But since the pandemic, there’s been a notable increase in “school avoidance,” “school can’t,” and absenteeism.
In fact, the percentage of U.S. students who missed 18+ days a year jumped from 15% in 2019 to 26% in 2023! This is obviously worrisome as we try to make up for lost learning during the pandemic period. At the Institute and Flourish, we’re particularly interested in the mental health context and implications.
Why are students avoiding school?
There have been alarming increases in anxiety, depression, screen time use, and substance abuse since the pandemic began.
And there are myriad reasons that students are reporting that they don’t want to go to school or can’t go to school, including:
- anxiety – and increased social anxiety
- depression – including a persistent lack of motivation
- worry about failure
- shifting friendships or interpersonal stressors such as bullying at school
- lack of sleep – often exacerbated by late night screen use
- undiagnosed learning and attentional differences
- health concerns – from chronic pain to an increase in keeping kids home at the first sign of a cough
- the hybrid world – in which parents are working more frequently from home and may feel that school work can be accessed online if needed
- the fact that students were home for such a long time during the pandemic – establishing a new normal in terms of routine, expectations, and the relationship between families and schools
- inertia – more days at home make it increasingly harder to go back
What can parents do to help?
Given the wide range of reasons that students are missing school, there is not a one-size-fits-all-solution.
With that in mind, here are seven tips that can generally help:
Talk to your student when everyone is calm to determine potential reasons they won’t or can’t attend school.
Some parents assume their child or teen is simply being lazy, and they find themselves engaging in daily arguments. Instead, operate under the assumption that there’s a cause behind your child’s behavior. Behavior is communication.
Could they be depressed? Is there an interpersonal dynamic at school – with another student or even a teacher – that they’re trying to avoid? Are they feeling behind in a certain class and skipping it is easier than risking public embarrassment? Could they be experiencing learning or attentional differences that interfere with their learning and success in a traditional classroom? Are they struggling with chronic pain or health issues that make focus and energy difficult to muster? Are they exhausted after staying up late on their phone? Do they feel uncomfortable going back because they’ve missed so much school already? Often a combination of stressors are at play.
Be curious and have collaborative conversations.
We find it’s a vital benefit to bring grounded presence and curiosity to the conversation with our kids. That’s right. Be genuinely curious and calm. And listen.
Seek to get an understanding of your student’s particular challenges so that you and they can work together to find an appropriate path forward. It will be different for each student.
Remove the fun from missed school days.
During the pandemic, you may have tried to lift your child’s spirits by baking cookies and watching movies together during days at home. Now, if your child is consistently avoiding school – a Tuesday at home should not feel like family fun. Students could do schoolwork, read, and address the needs that kept them at home such as resting to mitigate health concerns. The goal is to remove any incentive that may be motivating them to prefer days at home.
Collaborate with your student’s school.
Keep an open dialogue with your child’s teachers and school counselors to help learn more about potential issues at school and options the school may have for developing a collaborative plan to support the student. This might include talking about updating a 504 Plan or the IEP if your student has one.
Validate your student’s concerns and discuss strategies to help.
Once you’ve identified potential issues, don’t be dismissive or punitive. Validate their concerns, offer empathy and support. Our kids and teens have endured significant stressors over the past several years, and mental health challenges are common. If you determine the school attendance issue is largely due to stress about a certain class and sleep deprivation from late night scrolling, you can develop a plan to offer extra academic support and start charging the phone in the kitchen at night.
Try gradual exposure.
If your student is overwhelmed by the idea of going to school, consider a step-up approach. If you’re working with a parent coach or your student is working with a therapist, this type of approach may be suggested. For example, the first day everyone could follow a morning routine and then simply drive past the school. Next, your student could go for a half day. As they’re feeling more comfortable, a full day at school may be more tolerable. Discuss options with your child or teen, and a therapist or school counselor could help guide this process.
Create a support team.
When your student can’t or won’t attend school, it can be very stressful for parents to manage alone. And often our kids do need extra support to navigate the school challenges – whatever they may be.
Consider working with a therapist, parent coach, assessment specialist, or academic support service for yourself and/or your child. There are a number of therapeutic interventions that can help your child. And don’t forget support for yourself! Parents can benefit from trainings like SPACE, offered here by Olivia Zeff, LMFT and Gabbie Pascual, LMFT. SPACE stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.
Our experienced clinicians and parent coaches are always happy to help. Reach out to our Client Relations team at 626-585-8075 ext. 108 or Intake@IFGD.org.
